“She had the best answers to things, like she knew life even before she had lived it.” It was this interesting observation by my grandmother’s life made by people around her that led me to write these words. It took me long while to be able to write these words without crying. I wonder why, for really, the only real time I spent with her was during my few weekends away from VIT and there were very few lines of communication from me to her (there is only so much broken malayalam I can speak) and yet, I broke down seeing another old woman relive her memories with our batch at Anandwan. Why did I break down? Because to me the light that held it all together for me and made me “unscared” in a land of ghosts and superstition has now died down.
She was the most independent and fierce woman I have ever met. While to many, she was a ruler, her word being the last to decide a marriage, when a family moves into a new house, when it moves out, all such decision were made after a final word from her. To me, she was this rock, who has weathered endless pain, has lived through glory and grief all in one life and has come out unscathed.
In the last days of her life, she was working on a memoir. Whatever she remembered, the stories she told of this magical kingdom of ghosts and fairies, the one I tell my friends about!
Sometimes I feel I started writing because of her, for she was a poet, only she lived her poetry and I wrote mine. I wonder if Ill ever truly grieve her loss, because to me she was, is and will be an eternal artist, courageous, bold and yet graceful.
I can imagine very little of my father’s village without her, I wonder whether I’ll ever have the strength to go back and visit the empty room and endure the void. I wonder if she thought of me, before passing away, just a fleeting thought of what I’d be doing or whether I’d remember what she told me.
For now, she lives in that land far far away, a land where all her stories were true, a land where she is still the queen and her title still matters. She lives, whispering her tales to me in my dreams.
To my grandma, I will remember…all of it.