Self-depravation

The house it reeks
of unbearable breath
it speaks of a life
led right unto death

no one to witness
as the pain passes by
no one to see
these rusty eyes cry

You hear the world
knocking on your door
you hear her giving up
on the floor

one can’t help but wonder
is darkness a better fit
is this all that really is?

The shadows are louder now
drowning out the world
the other one the floor is free
but you, you live to say the words

“It is in this house
our demons dwell
it is right here we became
the sisters from hell”

Heartless, Soulless

A heart that cannot feel
is it still a heart
A soul that cannot heal
can it be thus, a soul called?
I try to cry but the tears run dry
I welcome sorrow
but my spirit flies too high
to see what aches and what hurts
If I’d wish one wish
and take one blessing
it’d be to kill that first kiss
that talks of an overrated love….

The Dark Room


I keep my dreams in the box
away from the all familiar sun
I let them live with sanity unsought
like a relentless fugitive
The blade isn’t far
the knife uncut
but the beauty of the stars
leave my veins untouched
She lives far away
my resemblance of me
she lives in my happy days
and lets go when darkness comes to meet
What have I become
a ghost alone in time
this house has no sun
only stories of untold crimes

The black screen

As the light above blinds
my unassuming eye
As the screens go black and green
at the blink of an eye

My thoughts stray to that heavenly valley
that sound of the river meandering through

I stop at the place where
the heavens and I were one
the mountains embraced
my rain-kissed skin

all my thoughts of doom – gone
I come back to tell the story
to my black screen
stories of my moments of glory
and yet the triumphs are unseen

unheard are my views
untouched is my soul
for I’m alone in a box
with no one around
It’s just me and my black screen

P.S.: Written a long time ago on a depressing day at work!

My chicken soup experiences :)

Was reading some stories I wrote a long time ago, pages torn in lack of self belief, letters to authors dead and living asking for help. Conversations to characters I loved, and I wondered if imaginary company is much better than a real one. Most people (most people I know) describe friendship as having a witness to your life. But I look at it this way, I see that there are people who are meant to enter your lives for a brief moment, teach you a lesson, change you in your being and then walk on. They might look back, or better still want to walk with you.  This blog is to relate to those few moments I cherished with them.

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Karan had topped in his class all through our school life (frustratingly so for me) and, well, most of the times, I had been the second best to him. But there was this one day when he showed me his poem and asked me my thoughts on it and my hatred (read envy) towards him just vanished that very day. I realized he was just as human, he also had his own insecurities. I never really went on to be great friends with him but I think both of us, in our school time, were more driven by trying to please others than ourselves. But the lesson was important: You don’t have to be the best at everything. And everyone has a sour spot, even those who are successful all their lives.

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My best friend (Deepthi) once got one mark more than me in a test (A MARK!) and I went all grumpy and sulky on her. She was shocked to see this side of me and I’m rather surprised she stuck by me even after my over competitive self drove her away like a mad person. Luv ya Deepthi. Lesson: in friendship the positives always outweigh the negatives, no matter how trivial they are!
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She always had a lot of problems in her life, her life in any case hasn’t been easy and yet every time I call her when I’m overjoyed Aakriti heard me out. She was (and remains to this day) my fall back girl. Every time I feel like crying it’s her I call, because she immediately puts some sense into this over emotional crap of a person that I am! I don’t call her everyday and yet each year that I meet her, we talk like we met yesterday. No lesson here, some friendships are just meant to be. Ever heard of the term soulmates??
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In every writer’s life, there comes a time when they want to kill themselves (it’s roughly translated as a writer’s block, I just call it, Monday) so this particular Monday, I fought with my sunshine girl, the only fight we have ever had in the 7 years of our friendship. We didn’t speak for three full days and at the end of it, one day, we just broke down and started talking again. Lesson: When a friend says “I never want to speak to you ever again, it’s just a monday” 🙂
more coming up….. 🙂

Swept-off-my-feet syndrome

After having walked out of all my so called relationships before they reach any kind of ending (happy or sad), I’m eternally guilty of the waiting-to-be-swept-off-my-feet syndrome. We women live in fantasy worlds (us so called “writers” even more so). We take pride in having found that perfect guy who well, puts a check across our vain, self ingratiating, utterly boring lists of characteristics we would want the love of our life to have.

Tall-check
degrees – check
a job that pays more than mine – check

but Ever thought about why in the world would a person falling into this category want to sweep a cranky, control freak, list making crazy like YOU?! I mean think about it….you made lists, actual LISTS of things you’d want in a person.

Then finally ever so quietly when a guy with a sheepish grin walks by and mans up to ask the oh-fair-and-mighty out…she just shrugs, throws her ravishingly ordinary looking hair back and smiles and says, “oops, you are not tall or oh, please no grad school what are you thinking”!!!!

But then, I wouldn’t really blame it on us…blame it on the million books and movies that tell you “You are the leading lady of your own life (The Holiday 🙂 )” You should know what is right and wrong for you, he is out there, somewhere (Where?! not in my continent??)

Question is…should we fall for the “almost-mr rights” because the “mr right” might just be in another continent with another woman living fate’s poor joke? I wouldn’t know the answer to that…coz well, I have thrown away the “almost-mr rights” out of my life with more vigor and ease than Britney Spears! (as suggested by a friend)

Should we just get off our high horse and tell ourselves there is no such thing as a mr. right-for-you? Should stop dreaming of being swept-off-our-feet and decide to ground our heels?! Is all of this, those dreams of the beautiful and perfect life…a mere illusion?!

Love letter to Gabo

If fantasy were real,
I’d be your Fermina Daza
your melancholy whore from hell

I’d live to die
by the words you weave
I’d walk past bitter almonds
and let out a dream

If only you would know
what world you paint
is my world

That fiery heart you break
is my heart
That pen you hold
is my sword….