More than a year since my grandmother has passed. I saw her in my dreams today. As distinctly as ever, sitting in front of a temple getting ready for prayers, she just told me not to be afraid of the snakes and continued to set up for her prayers in a field surrounded by snakes! Now, I am no Freudian expert but in my head this probably means a good thing.
I miss her existence; she was all I knew of spirituality, of God, of Evil and good. She was there like a constance whenever I felt alone. The reason I hold on to her so dearly is because, she is the only loss I have ever known, the only heartache, the only real sorrow.
Her last years, my father had spent preparing me for the grief but came to realize he himself wasn’t really ready to let her go. I feel guilty about not having gone for her funeral, but I did not really know what to do for the most part that day. Should I have mourned her? Or gone as I did for some irrelevant college function and cheer our band unnecessarily? Which brings me to the real question; how does one mourn a loss? For a first time mourner, this wouldn’t come naturally or it could just be my lack of emotion (or too much of it!) that I am not able to articulate the sense of loss I feel.
She was my one my all
My pillar that stood tall
She graced through the brazen storm
Like a cloud in a peaceful calm
She was my rendition of a fairy tale
Lived to see a family that prevailed
She was beauty in my eyes
Alive in death’s lullaby
She comes in my dreams
like a happy solace
she smiles through
our eternal embrace
Reread the tribute I wrote for her and realized that no words are really enough for me to let her go. There will no closure, she is never coming back and there is merely a void full of memories to remember her by.