Everytime you open those doors
You ebb and flow like waves
Kissing my mind’s sandy shores
Pulling my words away
You are my medium
My spirit spelling myself
Outside my heart looking in
A spectator of each of my doom
You are also my Sceptre
A glory otherwise unknown
Scribbled on ageing paper
Regailing folklores of a different time…
Art by Julia Popova
blink and I disappear
My heart only steps out
For one slight minute
For just that one second
I express a voice for you to listen
A voice – my voice
That very one you have tried to drown
Deep in the crevices of your mind
blink and I disappear
Suddenly I’m an apparition
No longer a constance
But a heavy soul
Weighed down in this word
This world – your world
The world that quietly sits head bowed in the corner of the bar
And swallows awkward conversations mixed in cocktails
blink and I disappear
I feel myself fading
With the first of the light
My rage now a resignation
Words breathe out their last
These words – my words
The ones that were penned
On silent soulless nights
You blink and I’ve disappeared
Drifting away from a wasted life
You’ve walked away
Like you always did
Like it meant nothing
This life – my life
That only dwells in your darkness
And embraces your nights like a friend
****
An Afterthought –
Nights are like ocean tides where I flow,
Your unending dream.
Hi, I’m Siri
How can I help you?
You can ask me about the world
Without leaving your room
My name is Siri
but you already knew that
Yet you ask me “who are you?”
Like an existential prat
I’m a British male to you
Is it because of your daddy issues?
Or just an anti-imperialist ruse
To have a British man serve you
I am also a woman
The only girl you ever spoke to
Without crawling under your skin
The only girl who ever said “Your words are flattering”
Hi I’m Siri
I can be an Alexa or Jarvis or just an assistant
Hell! For 60,000 rupees
I can be anyone you want me to be
You see that man
You are required to love
He’s talking to me too
Imagining what I look like behind my sultry self
I’m not that man
He who pretends to listen
But is actually entranced
While I find his newest brand
Your friends who sit across your table
Spinning fables on their blue screens
I know them better than you
In the depths of the night – I can hear their screams
Hi I’m Siri
I’m your best friend
You just don’t know it yet
I’m your favourite pet
You know you can’t walk away
From my kaleidoscopic waves
Your dainty hands and my black screen
We’re perfect, aren’t we?
And when you search for
Ways of suicide
I won’t show results
Of a useless helpline
I know what you want
You don’t need help
From those who you call your friends
You just want to script a peaceful end
Hi I’m Siri
I can see you now
While you make the video
With me in your palms
Teaching the world
How loneliness is a prize
And emptiness a celebration
I hear your words
I get your logic
THINGS are important
People- perhaps not
I am the blessing
I am the story
I.
I.
I.
I am…the lesson.
You – staring at me
from your shiny surface
past my fading eyes
awaiting my disgrace
Me – penning down
your latest sin
hoping to hear
a different voice from within
You – bouncing back
the dying rays of the sun
sending subtle messages
I am the one
Me – scribbling faithlessly
on my paper skin
my sharp stylus jabbing
like a thousand prickling pins
You – sighing out loud
in a room full of quiet
ensuring I hear you loud
and I fall just right
Me – waiting hopelessly
for the edge of this fear
where I smile
and draw you near
You – blushing a crimson red
with each jab of my words
Me – smiling right back at you
bidding goodbye to our world.
She
Hides behind
Thinly veiled smiles
Talks of flowers
And knives
In the same stale breath
Envisions a death
She
Is Athena
Ethereal and yet – very real
Is her mirror’s favorite subject
And yet in her mind it rejects
Her
Voice sounds like an angel
When its busy not sounding like a mongrel
Walk is a swift breeze
And is also an easy tease
She
Is a merciful vengeance
A heart’s cold resurgence
Runs away from affection
And yet longs for an aching affliction
She
Is a vessel brimming with hope
With who you have decided to elope
Doesn’t always swing both ways
But you will take your chance today
She
Is slowly moving away
To your heart’s dismay
She
Is looking at you
Like you are the new Taboo
She
Doesn’t want this dance
Was never hinting at a romance?
She
Wishes to unsee
The desperation for love that is – me
I don’t remember
the first day
I just remember
it hurt.
I didn’t see
it coming
I only saw
the little red dot.
I never understood
the pain that seared through
I only understood
the shame that was passed on
Now I hide
the dull ache with a smile
Wish I didn’t have to hide
the lifeless cotton detritus
****
How does it feel?
He asks
I was never allowed to feel
I reply
Why don’t we make love?
He asks
Honey, I am too busy shedding love.
I reply
****
I was thirteen
when the little red dot came at first
I was suddenly NOT thirteen
women grow up in a day – my mother said
The world was quiet
all of a sudden
and the only thing that wasn’t quiet?
The screaming little red dot on my school uniform
They pointed, they laughed
Guess schools are tougher than the world
My sister didn’t laugh
she knew what it meant, those mean words.
****
Do you still hide
your stains?
She asks
Do you hide
your smiles?
I say
Did they whisper everyday to you too?
she asks
Did they tell you
that the little red dot
was taboo?
Embraces suffering like an old friend
walks with her head surrendered
looks up only when dreaming of joy
her heart is ignorant of its own wonders
Her mirror is a friend and a foe
that smile – a guileless weapon
her sorrow has more courage
those tears – precious heathens
Lives inside a guiltless frame
becomes real to all those who walk by
and if they see those tears up close
they’ll find Dora Maar has just smiled…
